so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
