I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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