textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure