Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa