I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.