Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
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Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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