I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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