My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
