Well apparently he's into motor boating.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
