Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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