Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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