I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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