did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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