I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
