I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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