saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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