did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
