I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
