we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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