And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
