Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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