Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
