ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
