found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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