My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
