Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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