I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
