He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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