i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
