I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
