I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
