At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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