i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
