I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
