The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
