Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
