Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
