a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
