Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
