seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
