You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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