Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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