Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
