he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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