Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
