I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
