In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
