I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
