He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
