I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
