I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
