Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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