Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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