I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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