I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
