Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
